you're working for the police and the private...

"New Post". Sounds exciting, doesn't it? And it is. Anything new is exciting, right? Sure, yes!! of course it is!!!

But anything new is also scary.

Its been a long while since I've written. I've been wanting to write a new entry for the past few days. I've even, on occasion, gone back and re-read my previous posts. They make me remember how much I really do enjoy writing; how much I get out of it; how much I learn. You know what one of the things I've learned is? The only time that it becomes easy to write, the only time that I can actually say what I really think and feel, is when I stop being conscious of the fact that other people might read it; when I am writing only for me.

So...new beginnings. Because I'm a person of extremes, I both love and hate them. They excite me and they terrify me all at the same time. Part of me thinks I'm super-capable--nay, in fact, the MOST capable; part of me lives for the thrill of starting something new, for the opportunity that that affords...because a big part of me loves dreaming. I am definitely a dreamer. But part of me thinks all I'm going to do is fail; in a million ways and for a million reasons, fail. Or, if its not me who will fail, its someone or something else. I'm also a realist, you see, so all I need is one good reason, one...past experience, one memory--good or bad, one doubt, to question it all. One thing to take me back to another place--a place that I either loved or hated--to make me not want to try for that New; to make me think that it either will never be or get better. Everyone always says "move forward", "don't look back", and even "be present". Man, how I envy them and how easy it is for them to do just that--to just not look back. Who are those people, anyways? Those people who aren't afraid to march ahead without even thinking of looking back? I know I look back too much...but still.

And what about balance? Who are those people--the people who actually live balanced lives? I mean, is it even possible? What does that even mean? Is it just a state of mind, just about telling yourself "hey--I feel balanced. So obviously I live a balanced life"? And how can you live a balanced life when you live for something? When you have a passion for something that is so strong that it consumes you, that it fuels you...that, as a result, takes time and energy and effort away from everything else? I don't get it. All these terms, all these sayings, all this advice...how can you reconcile them all with each other? How can you be passionate and, simultaneously, at peace? How can you move forward and be still? How can you feel so much and so hard and yet not have it affect you?

So many questions.