I'll Be My Own Savior (next time i'll be braver)

This is the second or third time in as many days that I've sat down, logged on and set out to write a blog; write something. I had the intention; I was dead-set on it each time. But each time, something stopped me. Each time, seeing that blank, white screen with its flashing (read: waiting; expectant) cursor stare me down, something stopped me. All of my ideas, all of my inspiration just...obliterated.

I over-think things. All the time. I think we all do. Or many of us, at the least. I find that I am often afraid--but not for the right reasons. I'm always afraid of what someone, what people will think; afraid to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing; admit the wrong thing for fear of what will be thought of me. Its natural. I mean, we're all social beings: we live in the world, amongst its people. Even a self-professed loner such as myself can recognize that our entire existence is shaped by our interactions and relationships with others. And that--that awareness, that knowledge-- is often the trickiest thing.

Sometimes its so hard to be with others and actually be ourselves--or, the Self that we are when we're alone. Sometimes its hard to be that honest, you know? Its a constant struggle. And not because anyone else would think differently of us if we were, but because we would; we would think differently of ourselves if we were. Because, often times, we don't really want to know. Its one thing to sit in silent acknowledgment of the truth, and another to proclaim it publicly.

I've been chickening out of writing a blog for a few days now. Not because I can't, but because I didn't know where to start. Do I ever, though? Have I ever started out knowing exactly what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it? Or is it that I just....start out? When I was in London, far away from home and its people and its (informal) connections, it was so easy to write; it was so easy to be honest. I wasn't afraid at all. But now? Now its like, there are a million things stopping me. Now its like, I am letting a million things stop me.

You have to start somewhere.