every flow has its ebb

Hi :)

I don't really have anything specific or super thought-out to say. I'm in one of those nervous moods. You know, the kind where you're nervous about something, but you don't know what or why? So I just wanted to talk :) Er, or write I should say...you know what I mean lol. I think its just that I have a lot on my plate, a lot to do, in these last few days before my visit home. Nothing unusual either, but just...a lot: work, the gym, laundry, packing, re-budgeting, have to make up a new workout, have some paperwork to do re. my final departure in May, a bunch of other random errands. And by the time I come home its...well, its now. 8:17pm. And no, I haven't showered or eaten dinner yet. I've prepared my work clothes for tomorrow, though, put away laundry that I had hung up this morning, hung up a new load, and even stopped at Tesco for some groceries (yes, peanut butter included) on my way home, after the gym.

Sometimes I feel like, despite having 13-14 hour days, I accomplish nothing. And then when I come home and face all the other things I have to do, and am super-tired already, it frustrates me. A lot. I'm not a tired person: I'm not someone who needs 8 hours of sleep--I'm someone who's cool with 6; I'm not somone who can't get it all done (or who doesn't try with all their heart, anyways, and feels good for it); I'm not someone who can't get out of bed in the mornings, who literally cannot open their eyes. But I'm also someone who doesn't know their own limits--and so sometimes become That person nonetheless. Its not a virtuous thing either. Its definitely a vice. My biggest one, actually. In the end, its not what I do or don't do that gets to me. Its not having the choice; its that feeling that comes with not having any control; its feeling so vulnerable, so weak, so unlike myself in every way possible. I'm too stubborn for my own good I fear. Its great to have a goal(s) and to pursue it doggedly, but its another to think that everything will go your way just because you want it to. "Go with the flow". It sounds so easy, doesn't it? Its sounds the easiest, actually. That's what I have to do. I have to just relax and calm down and take a deeeeeeeeep breath, and just let it carry me. And be ok with it.

Lol. Yeah right. Who's kidding who? We know that'll never actually happen ;)