I am 16 going on 17...

26. Turning 27. Yet, as the song goes, I feel like I'm 16 turning 17.

I have, despite all of my best, most concentrated efforts, found myself back at the proverbial drawing board. There's no eloquent way of putting it, no nice way of saying it: I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

"What?", you may ask. "Didn't you just finish teacher's college? Didn't you just move to London-- to teach?" My response? Yes. Yes to it all. I gave up a great job at an amazing company to go back to school; I killed myself for a year, losing sleep, losing my sanity, and losing myself all for the sake of obtaining that credential; for the sake of becoming A Teacher. But you know what? I don't think I want to be a teacher. And not because I don't enjoy teaching-- I do, very much so. But because there's something I enjoy more; because there's something that I love.

I always find myself feeling envious of people, of friends, who are doing what they love. One of my bestest peeps is a photographer. The BEST photographer, I should say. Why is she the best? Because she loves it. Another friend works in business. And she's a kick-ass business woman. Why is she so kick-ass? Because she loves it. We all have things that we love. Or rather, we should all be so fortunate as to have things that we really love; things that we are passionate about; things that we live, eat, sleep and breathe for; things that make us, as individuals, Happy. And I am lucky enough to have one of those things. But, for whatever [multitude of] reason(s), have discounted it; I've ruled it out before even giving myself the chance to rule it in.

I spend my days thinking about, waiting for, planning for, and at the gym. It is...it's like I've said, it saves me. It is me. Its been me for the past 11+ years and, arguably, for my whole life. Yet I've never considered it as a viable career choice. Why? Who knows. Fear--fear that in doing it for a living, I'd kill it; I'd ruin it for myself; I'd take the pleasure out of it. Fear, again--because how can you make a decent living working in a field like fitness/ health if you're not scientifically inclined? And fear, once more--how and what would I need to do to build a life from it, and aren't I too late for that now anyways? Moral of the story: its scary. I'm afraid. But can I really afford to not do what I love? Even more importantly, do I not want to do what I love?

I think being here has clinched it for me. Here--in this unknown and unfamilair place, its been the one constant that has given me pleasure; that has helped me feel like myself; that has empowered me; that has given me a purpose. It shows, too (and before I say this, please know that I don't say it to toot my own horn, but merely to prove a point)--I get complimented for it. Random people strike up conversations with me at the gym and tell me that they admire me and the way that I "work really hard"; personal trainers approach and introduce themselves to me and say that they see me training super-intensely and that I always do "good exercises"; that I'm "very focused". I don't get compliments like that about teaching. Obviously, its a different type of thing. But still. This is where my heart is. Why am I not listening to it?

What will I do with this knowledge? How will I pursue this? What's my next course of action? I couldn't tell you--I have absoluteluy no idea. But I'll figure it out. One day at a time, one step at a time.