don't say that later will be better

Ok, ok, I'll stop with the U2 titles, I promise. But I looked up a few songs/ artists in trying to come up with a title for this, one of my most IMPORTANT entries to date, and this one seemed to be the most fitting. I need a change. A big one. Why? For a lot of reasons, none of which are important. 

Do you remember when I wrote this? I think I'm too sentimental. I really do. I think I hold onto too much; I think I look back too much. I have too much trouble letting go. Friendships, relationships, phases, years and parts of my life, I can't see the past as just "the past". I'm not one of those people who can just take something from it all and move on, head held high and gaze directed straight ahead. I never have been and I don't think I ever will be I do. I remember it every single day of my life--and not because I memorize my blogs or read them over incessantly but because everything I've said here has been honest. And, most importantly, from my heart. It's true; the truth; my truth, anyways. No lies. No making things or myself seem better then they/ I are for the sake of looking or sounding good. That's not me--I call it like it is, always. Maybe some people think that, in itself, is being negative, but its not--not for me, anyways. For me, being realistic about things is the only way to be if you actually want to see your dreams come true. You can't build a proper house without a solid foundation, so why bother trying? Unless you're looking to live in a place whose walls could come crashing down around you at any given time, I think it'd be a silly endeavour--no matter how much of a romantic you are (and trust me, I'm waaay too much of a Hope-ful/ Hope-less romantic myself, so I get how tempting it would be). 

Ok, I've gotten off track. Another quick little tidbit: I tend to underplay good things that happen to me. I'm not one of those people who gets good news and then calls and screams about it to someone else ten seconds later. I do get super excited and happy and I do scream, yes--but I do those things to and within myself. If I'm happy about something, I don't need to have you be happy, too--me being happy is enough. So what I'll usually do instead is downplay it; I'll look for reasons and ways its not as good as it seems; I'll bring up its less than ideal points and qualities; I'll attach a negative to the positive; in short, I'll purposely undervalue it. Why? No, not because I'm negative and think things are too-good-to-be-true; no, not because I'm miserable and am looking for ways to continue being so; because I feel bad. Yup, I'm one of those sad, sorry souls who feels bad for everyone and everything around them, right down to the cups that sit in the back of the cupboard and never get used. So bragging about good news to others--no matter how much I love them and they love me--for me, is tantamount to throwing it in their face. Is this a silly way to think? Yeah, probably. Would my loved ones think that that's my intention when I share good news with them? No! Not at all! So why do I do it? I couldn't tell you. I feel bad. That's the best way I can put it. I always have and always will. Its silly and sappy and sensitive and speaks to the guilt that I carry around like a dead weight, sure, but its me. I feel bad. For those who maybe have been having a bad go at things lately and don't mean to feel jealous or envious or sad, but might when they hear about how great! fantastic! super! things are going for someone else; for the person who's just lost something really important to them and is still reeling from it all; for the person who doesn't know what it is they're looking for, let alone where to look; for the cups; for them all...I feel bad. Am I perfect? No. God no. I am terribly flawed. I have a temper; I'm impatient; I'm stubborn; I am waaayy too sensitive. I'm a lot of not good things. But I need to stop persecuting myself for them--no one is perfect, even that one person that you are convinced is. Its not about being perfect, its about being you--and being Happy for it (see previous entry). I need to stop looking back; I need to stop caring about....well about things that don't care back (cups discluded, of course ;)). I need to build my House. I need to build my Temple. I need to find my Home. 

Here's my big plan: after watching Julie and Julia with my Mom on my 'last night in Canada' (current pet peeve: volcanic ash), I was inspired. Yeah, I have this blog and I essentially pour my heart out to it (I do that a lot, actually), and it helps in the moment. Getting it out, expressing it, I think, are good things; essentials, actually. Sometimes I even get these amazing compliments and comments from people that I think are amazing--and that helps a ton, too. But none of those things fix. And I need to fix...me, really. So, from this day forward, I am committing to doing one new thing everyday. Some days it will be a Big Thing, some days it will be a Little Thing; some days it will be a Funny Thing, some days it will be a Serious Thing; some days I'll probably humiliate myself; some days I'll completely exonerate myself. To be honest, I don't have the slightest idea what kinds of things said 'Things' will be, or where I'll start for that matter (and its already 12:57pm on Day 1). But that's the whole point: to constantly be on the lookout for New Things; to open my eyes, my mind, and my heart; to take more risks; to do more; to see more. To be more. And so, it begins.... PS: O course, I am open to suggestions. At the least, I know this will be fun :)